Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Crack Witch, Anne DeChantraine, and Jessica Simpson



I have a couple of things I want to hit on today...a bit of a longer one.

I think I am going to a corn maze tonight and that should be fun. But everytime I think of haunted cornmazes, I think of this awesome story that happened to my sisters Amy and Lori a couple of years ago. I guess they went to one in a big group towards the end of the Halloween season and got a bit more than they bargained for. From what I understand, it was one of the last nights the corn maze was open, so the weirdos that they get to haunt the place really were living it up and going the extra mile to scare the bejeesus out of the poor corn maze customers that night. In particular there was a certain haunter dressed up as what they describe as "A Coked-up Witch". Anyways, this guy was following them around the whole entire maze trying to scare them, and it got a little out of hand. Usually at these things, the haunters are not allowed to touch you at all. This night, however, said "Coked-up Witch" was not obeying the rules. My sisters swear he was on drugs, because supposedly he was grabbing and pulling people around corners and grabbing their arms and dragging them away and whatnot. The worst part was that he was comfortable in the maze, so just when they would think that they had lost him, he would pop out of some corner having taken a short-cut to where they would end up. After several horrific occurances with this guy, and threatening him that they would tell his manager what he was doing, they finally found the exist. But as they were going towards the parking lot, they heard a blood-curdling scream. Looking behind them they saw coked-up witch tearing out of the exit like a madman running after them. At this point it really became a scene from a horror film as they screamed and ran for the car, fiddling with the key to get in before crack witch caught up with them. They were not fast enough, the witch caught my sister Amy as she was getting in the car and began to yank her out. At this point she was balling and Lori had had enough, so she went around the car and began to punch the witch in the face to get him to release his grip. As hard as she was wailing on him, it seemed to have very little effect. He just kept going and chanting his weird little noises. Anyway, they finally did get the doors shut and locked and drove away still scared out of their minds. I tell the story because I really hope it doesn't happen to me. I would hurt somebody I am afraid. I punch much harder than Lori.

Oh by the way, the picture at the top and to the left is Anne DeChantaine, the Witch, and that is generally the character I picture when I am thinking of above story witch Crackhead witch in the corn maze. In all actuallity, Anne is a character is a game my family used to play called Atmosfear. It is a board game about Harbingers trying to escape from Hell and the Gatekeeper, this guy who looks like The emporor from Star Wars. While you play the game you watch a movie and it is pretty intense, if you dont beat it by the time the game is over, the Gatekeeper condemns you to hell. Just a nice little FHE game at the Kenley's house. My brother got it for Christmas and was so excited even before he knew what it was that he cried. For those who have played Atmosfear, especially my family, were you aware that Atmosfear is a trilogy and has several spinoffs? I did not either but it seems to be the case. I smell a great x-mas present coming to Fredrick Keith in San Diego this year!!!!!


Ok and on a much lighter note. I hate Jessica Simpson so much. I didn't have any contempt for her until she decided to do that newly wed show and I had a chance to hear her speak. Then she did that whole Dukes of Hazzard thing and a couple other really crappy movies to prove to the world she was multi-talented and failed. Since them I have tried to ignore her as much as possible, but at times it cannot be done. The video below would actually be funny if it were not so annoying. Its from a variety show that she put on a few years ago. All the youtube comments praise this video, but it drives me CRAZY!!!! I really have the urge to reach through the screen and punch her in the face on this one. What is she doing with her hands? Why is she wearing that big pink flower on her blouse? Why is she singing in that weird breathy voice? I am not a Jewel fan, but even less now that I know that she agreed to stand next to Jessica Simpson and endure her weird faces during this song. Watch it for yourself, its absolutely excruciating.

Hope you enjoyed that bit of torture. I have a really good post idea for tomorrow.

7 comments:

Holly and Garrett said...

The most awkward thing I've ever seen Jessica Simpson do! It almost looks like she's trying to act crazy. Nice blog by the way, CalvinSmooth.

Tina said...

Calvin!! Okay, that cracked out witch story was hilarious! I think I've heard it from Amy before, but it's a good thing you've now got that in print! lol! I'm so glad you have a blog...it's hilarious! And I can't wait to watch all the videos while pretending to be working...it'll be tricky, but I'm good like that!

lori said...

You are very right, that was painful. I don't know why she has to flap her arms and sing like that.

Taffy and Tony said...

Wow to both. I've always wanted to go to a corn maze, but I'm having second thoughts now. And the Jessica Simpson video, I dont' know what to say about that. It was awful, for sure. You know, when the Newlyweds show began, I thought, "If you want to for sure send your marriage straight for divorce, film your first year and show it to the world." She's not so bright, I'd say.

lori said...

PS- not only did I punch the witch, hard, I was slamming him in between the car and the door, with the car door, as hard as I could. Amy was kicking him hard from inside the car, as she tried to crawl over the stick shift to get out the driver's side door. That guy had to have been high, cause he took a beating and it didn't even faze him. He also tried to jump on the hood of our car as we tried to speed out of the parking lot. Craziest night of my life!

Calvin Smooth said...

I think Holly did put it best, it looks like she is purposely trying to act insane.... Weird thing is, Jewel looks ridiculous in her own right, but standing next to Jessica she looks completely normal! Its as if she was working as hard as possible to outweird Jewel or something. Sheesh....

Miles said...

I love that game...Atmosfear....good times