Friday, November 21, 2008

Twilight, Nosferatu, Sagelike advice

Well the long wait is over. Twighlight is in theaters for all you girls with a pre-teen mindset to obsess over. But just so you know, its getting some pretty poor reviews, so it might not be worth standing in line at the box office for an hour and cramming yourelf into a theater with other 13 yr. olds who are screaming everytime Edward appears on the screen. Instead you should stay home and rent a good vampire this old silent film Nosferatu. Werner Herzog actually did a remake of this with Klaus Kinski that was pretty entertaining.

Seriously though, I read a review for twighlight that said it was the funniest movie of the year. That almost makes me want to see it. I love funny movies. If you haven't ever read twighlight...below are some spoilers that make me laugh.

-The story follows Bella and her Vampire boyfriend Edward. There is also some sort of scandal love triangle with Bella and a Werewolf named Jacob Black. Jacob is very passionate and Edward is very cold and shows little emotion. Both of them are supposedly irresistible.
-Bella has to make a choice between the two of them, and when she chooses Edward, it creates an even more important choice...become a vampire...or stay a human and eventually die, leaving Edward all alone. It is very dangerous to even be close to Edward as a human because he does not know his own strength. When he brushes his hand through her hair, it might crack her scull. I'm not making this up. It truly is a forbidden love.
-In the final book Edward and Bella get hitched, and they do the deed. The bed breaks and she ends up with bruises all over her body...her friends suspect abuse. But Edward is just too strong for his own good.
-Bella gets pregnant with a Humanoid vampyro baby. Its basically a super baby, and it wants blood. It is so ticked off about not getting it that it kicks and breaks Bella's ribs. (again I am not making this up). She begins to drink blood to satisfy the humanoid vampyro's needs. The baby calms down a bit, but the birthing process is going to suck!
-Baby is born in an intense way. Pretty much coming out, the baby rips Bella to shreds, much like an Alien in Ridley Scotts movies. She is dying, and Edward can't handle it. So he bites her to inject the vampire venom and give her immortality, even though he told her earlier he would never do it. She survives and becomes a vampire mother to the humanoid vampyro toddler.
-Finally, and this is the best part, Jacob Black steps back onto the scene. You see, werewolves have this thing where they can imprint with humans. They can't control it. When they find who is supposed to be their soulmate, they look at them and then destiny creates a way for them to be together. So when old Jacob sees the humaniod baby, he can't resist. He imprints her then and in the future they will fall in love and be married and be soulmates. Everybody wins in twilight, even peodophile werewolves. I just think that it is going to be hard to explain to that girl that he used to be in love with her mom and kissed her a bunch. Nasty.

There you have it...part of the twilight plot. If your wondering how I get so much information without reading the books, its because wherever I work at there are always some females that are into that series, and I can usually squeeze some of the best parts of the plot out of them with enough harrassment. If you haven't read the books yet and don't believe that these things can be true, then just ask someone who reads them about the above synopsis. Usually they will say something like, "Yeah thats true, but the way she writes it doesn't make it sound so cheezy." The weirdest thing is that this nasty bloody book is all the rage for Utah girls. I do not understand the appeal.

Here is some advice that Dr. Phil came up with that really is sagelike. Nobody has ever had this thought. Its completely unique...all he has to do is tell his guests this, and it will solve their problems. If only they could have heard this before!


Rita Christiansen said...

Oh wow...I'm going to pick up my copy of Twighlight tonight. It sounds SO good.
But go ahead and own up - the reason you know all of these details is because you've been hiding the book under your bed and reading it late at night.
I'm so glad you posted that Dr. Phil clip. I'm going to write it down word for word, have it printed in cursive vinyl letters and put it on my wall.

Calvin Smooth said...

Rita, you need to understand that when you are in a marraige, you should not seek outside to fix the problem. What that complicate things, it doesn't help anything. See, thats how you prevent these problems!

Hanz said...

Oh Calvin, I am glad that you dont like Twilight. If you did I really would be worried. I know it sounds ridiculous, but it is a good. And the lady has made a killing with it! She writes it for her demographic and it works perfectly! You cant argue with that one! :) Anyway, Rap makes you happy, vampire sex make us Twilighters happy! Haha Jk!

Ellis family said...

Reading your little spoilers really does make it sound oh so cheesy! But they really were good books, but I could have totally skipped the was a waist of time and your oh so right again with all the screaming teenagers! that was the best part of the night watching them throughout the whole movie! Love your blog!!!